Monday, May 31, 2010

Casting Call: Rosemary's Baby

[Note: This was composed for a recurring Wonderchroma column entitled Casting Call, in which the film adaptations (or remakes) of various classic properties are envisioned.]

Rosemary's Baby is one of the classics of horror, a masterpiece of mounting dread. Adapted from the novel by Ira Levin, the film tells the story of Rosemary and Guy, a pair of young newlyweds who move into Manhattan's stately Bramford building (based upon the notorious Dakota), which happens to be populated by a coven of witches. Without Rosemary's knowledge, Guy cuts a deal with the coven to saddle his wife with the spawn of Satan in exchange for career advancement. By the time Rosemary realizes that something is wrong, it is already too late—everyone she knows has conspired to make sure her unholy child is delivered.

Helmed by the incomparable Roman Polanski, Rosemary's Baby is a textbook exercise in suspense and paranoia, one of the most timeless and seminal works of the genre; as such, it is the perfect fodder for some studio hack to option as a remake. Let us hope that said desecrators at least pack the film with genuine talent, lest their bastard product be a complete abomination.

Director (Roman Polanski): David Cronenberg



Cronenberg is a master at capturing the suffocating effects of our reliance on technology, as well as the paranoia that results from urban living. His entire career has been an extended study of the devastation that modern science has wrought upon the human frame, a theme which dovetails perfectly into Rosemary's Baby, the ultimate reproductive nightmare.

Rosemary Woodhouse (Mia Farrow): Amy Adams



Rosemary is a pure spirit, a classic ingénue with whom the audience can empathize immediately. Her character requires an actress with a wholesome demeanor and a sense of vulnerability. Amy Adams, whose recent turns in Junebug and Doubt have established her as one of the most promising new talents in Hollywood, would be perfect.

Guy Woodhouse (John Cassavetes): Javier Bardem



Guy is the embodiment of the pre-Feminism male, a man who is inured to the subjugation of women for his own benefit. Yet he maintains a presiding love for Rosemary, and although he proves susceptible to the wiles of the Castavets, he remains only a begrudging accomplice to their plans. Javier Bardem has demonstrated his capabilities as both a sensitive leading man in The Sea Inside and a terrifying psychopath in No Country for Old Men; this dramatic range, bolstered by his dark and mysterious good looks, would afford the compassion necessary to temper his character's shady actions.

Minnie Castevet (Ruth Gordon): Pat Crawford Brown



As the headmistress of the coven, Minnie is the prototypical nosy neighbor, investing herself into every decision regarding Rosemary's pregnancy. Pat Crawford Brown has made a career out of playing kindly old ladies, most notably on television series such as General Hospital and Desperate Housewives, and her genteel persona would lend itself beautifully to the sinister duplicity of this role.

Roman Castevet (Sidney Blackmer): Peter O'Toole



A stately old man with a grandfatherly air, Roman is the mannerly yin to Minnie's boisterous yang. Peter O'Toole, with his piercing blue eyes and impeccable class, would be ideal as the cool-headed spokesman for Minnie's schemes.

Edward 'Hutch' Hutchins (Maurice Evans): Bob Newhart



Rosemary's former landlord serves as her father figure and confidant, and is the first person outside of the Bramford to figure out what is going on. The character of Hutch requires an actor with affability and tenacity, someone to whom the audience could understand Rosemary's inclination to turn for guidance. Bob Newhart, with his immense likability and beleaguered disposition, would be a delight.

Dr. Abraham Sapirstein (Ralph Bellamy): Edward Herrmann



Sapirstein may well be the most devious character in the film, as it is he who exploits Rosemary's faith in authority to enable the Castavets to carry out their plot. To deliver the proper aura of paternalism, you would need someone with a commanding presence. Edward Herrmann, who so expertly utilized this capacity in The Lost Boys and The Cat's Meow, would be the best possible choice.

Terry Gionoffrio (Victoria Vetri): Natasha Gregson Wagner



As the daughter of Natalie Wood, the legendary starlet whose death by drowning remains shrouded in mystery, Natasha Gregson Wagner already carries some foreboding baggage. She would be ideal for the role of Terry, the gorgeous and headstrong recovering heroin addict who is considered for the role of Satan's surrogate baby mama before Rosemary comes along. Unfortunately, Gregson Wagner's screen time would be limited due to the early death of her character, but her staggering beauty would more than compensate for her transience.

You know what? After meticulously compiling the perfect cast and director for this project, I'm actually looking forward to seeing it. Anybody wanna pony up $50 million?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Aiming for the Head of the Zombie Jesus

BODY OF ‘KING OF THE JEWS’ MISSING FROM TOMB
by Cyrus T. Peabody

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - The body of Jesus the Nazarene, a.k.a. Jesus Christ, was reported missing from its tomb by a guard on duty, Roman authorities report.

“I swear he was dead when we walled him up,” claims the centurion, who asked not to be named. “We cast lots for his clothes. I got his sandals.

“I don’t want to have to give them back,” he added.

Known to his friends as ‘Master’, Christ burst onto the local Messiah scene three years ago with a series of sermons and alleged miracles. Born under mysterious circumstances in Bethlehem in the year 0, Christ first aroused attention during King Herod’s infamous Christmas Baby Massacre, narrowly escaping with his parents to Egypt. He later came to prominence as a child preacher in the Temple of Jerusalem, before disappearing from the radar during puberty and only returning some eighteen years later.

It was here that Christ first won the admiration of the Jewish proletariat and drew the ire of the Pharisees.

“He’s all things to all people,” claims Frank Antonius, who credits Christ with the alleviation of his asthma. “[It] wouldn’t surprise me if he faked his own death. Jim Morrison did.”

Christ first gained a following during his stint as a carpenter, finding appeal among beggars and fishmongers alike with his insightful parables and flamboyant displays of power. Varying sources cite instances of aquatic acrobatics and superhuman food distribution, along with accounts of macular regeneration and the resurrection of the dead.

“Big deal,” sniffs local merchant Ezra Cohen. “My friend Apollonius of Tyana can do that, too.”

Christ’s egalitarian message and subversive ideology resulted in friction with the local authorities. Last Saturday, he was charged with blasphemy after encouraging his followers to harvest grain in spite of the Shabbat. A warrant was summarily issued for his arrest, but almost a full week passed before he was apprehended.

Israeli forces caught up with Christ early Friday in the Garden of Gethsemane, where he was in hiding with his disciples. According to one witness, Christ was singled out by his former apostle Judas Iscariot. (Iscariot could not be reached for comment.)

Following a trial before the Sanhedrin, Christ was presented to a local mob alongside notorious pig thief Barabbas. As per Passover custom, Roman Procurator Pontius Pilate offered to exonerate one of the two men. When the crowd selected Barabbas, Pilate reportedly ceded control of the prisoners and then began compulsively washing his hands.

The rest of the afternoon was devoted to Christ’s scourging and crucifixion, providing an unparalleled spectacle for the crowds who assembled to watch. According to several eyewitnesses, the death of Christ was accompanied by an earthquake of such severity that the great veil in the First Temple was split in half. Temple clergy are holding a bake sale to raise money for repairs.

The disappearance of Christ’s body has given rise to rumors of his resurrection, with several unnamed sources claiming to have encountered him on the road to Galilee. Such a feat seems not to surprise his adherents, who maintain their total devotion.

“I owe him my life,” says Lazarus of Bethany. “Jesus is my homeboy.”

Christ is survived by his mother, Mary, his father, Joseph, and several siblings, who may or may not exist.